Generally, as survivors, we all have issues with Intimacy. We can have trouble with emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, sexual intimacy, but the thing is… every close relationship has a degree of intimacy regardless of who its with, whether that’s a friend, a partner, a girlfriend, a boyfriend, wife, husband, sister, brother, son, daughter, so on and so on.

Intimacy has been described in many ways: a kind of unmasking of yourself in order to make yourself vulnerable in a trusting, loving, secure relationship; a closeness of proximity; a special, unique and distinct bond joining you and another person; a sense of being exposed, undefended and fragile; the sharing of tenderness, caring and affection; the mutual respect, recognition and approval of each other's need to be a sexual being.

But as a survivor of sexual abuse, we can struggle with emotional intimacy, physical intimacy and psychological intimacy. But why?

It would probably be easier to create a list of points that are not connected to our problem with Intimacy. How about…

• Inability to trust
• Fear of being vulnerable to being hurt or subjected to pain
• Inability to take a risk
• Lack of role models for healthy intimacy
• Inability to control the impact of anger, hostility or resentment
• Fear of losing the other in death or some other calamity
• Fear of loss of approval
• Fear of rejection
• Chronic defensiveness
• Over aggressiveness or over passivity
• Power struggles between the parties for control of the relationship
• Fear that the relationship will become sexual in nature
• Fear of loss of identity
• Inability to show affection, tenderness or caring

We can have a whole load of beliefs which prevent us establishing intimacy.

• “If I open myself up to another person, I am bound to get hurt and/or taken advantage of”
• “People with whom I have been involved with in the past have abused, neglected and mistreated me. How can I expect it to be different in the future?”


• “People have said to me "I love you" and "I hate you"' in the same breath. I get so confused. How can I ever believe anyone?”


• “If I open yourself up to trust someone, they will always take advantage of me.”


• “I am a worthless, useless piece of junk. How could anyone ever care about me?”


• “I am a failure as a man sexually.”


• “All men are out to rape or violate you.”


• “It is impossible to have a close friend of the opposite sex without the relationship becoming sexual in nature.”


• “Men who have close friendships in which they exchange signs of physical affection (like a hug) with other men must be gay”


• “Intimacy is only for women or weak gay men”


• “No one can keep a secret, so keep your personal business to yourself.”


• “Intimacy always means sexuality and sexuality always means sexual intercourse.”


• “It is impossible for others to remain faithful in a relationship. They always cheat!”


• “Whenever I open myself up to intimacy, I am bound to lose it or fuck it up.”


• “I can take care of myself just fine. I don't need anyone else to clutter up my life.”

But why would any of these beliefs be true? You may have evidence from the past that backs them up, but what evidence do you have to back up the idea that it will happen in the future? Do you have a crystal ball that can show you? No, of course you don’t so how can you be sure?

The fact is we can’t be sure and maybe, just maybe, this time will be different. But maybe it wont. But maybe it will, yeah, but maybe it wont, yeah but maybe it will… does this look familiar?

What we’re trying to say is to defeat the issue with intimacy requires taking a risk, albeit a calculated one, and requires time.

It requires you to:

• Develop confidence in yourself.
• Believe in your self-worth, your goodness and abilities.
• Let go of your fears.
• Open yourself up to trust in the goodness of others.
• Accept your body and body image.
• Resolve feelings about past hurts, pains and failures.
• Handle disagreements, conflicts or fights.
• Work out anger, resentment and hostility over the past.
• Work out blocking irrational beliefs about relationships.
• Maintain mutual assertiveness in the relationship.
• Problem solve, make decisions and execute plans to correct, rectify and enhance the relationship.
• Improve communication to an open, honest and productive level.
• Work out hangups, resistance and objections to healthy, normal sexual relationship with your partner.

Steps to Improve Intimacy in a Relationship:

1. Before you can improve the level of intimacy in a relationship, you need to identify those with whom you already have an intimate relationship and those with whom you desire to develop a relationship.
2. Once you have identified the persons with whom you have intimacy problems and those with whom you desire to be intimate, identify those beliefs blocking your growth in intimacy with each of the people. Develop a replacement belief for each of the irrational ones.
3. Once you have developed the replacement beliefs, identify those behavior traits you need to develop to correct your intimacy problems. To do this, review the behavior traits; list them in a journal.
4. Working with one trusted person, practice your replacement beliefs. If not, then sit infront of the mirror and practice reading out loud your replacement beliefs.
5. Set yourself small tasks and tiny goals, e.g. choose a person your going to play this game with then without telling them, pretend and act like you’re fine with intimacy. Play the game to win, the object being that the other person wouldn’t know your pretending.

Clarity is the key to intimacy. Set your boundaries, rules and blatantly ask close ones for help with this.

Practice, practice, practice!