How many times have you said "yeah I'm fine", "I can cope" or "there's nothing wrong". It's so easy to say that, knowing that deep down inside you there is chaos going on and you aren't coping.
But why should you need anyone else, you've managed this far without the help of anyone. You've gone it alone before, in fact you've flown solo many times in the past. So answer this question… How was that for you then? How did that plan go?
How did it feel being on your own? What's isolation like?
I know. Its fucking shit! But on the other hand you don’t have to rely on anyone else and so you aint going to be let down.
But isolation perhaps hinders you from finally getting the answers to the myriad of questions that have haunted you for so long.
You may even believe that no one cares, no one would ever understand how you feel, and why would anyone want to listen to you? But all those thoughts and beliefs say clearly that you locked into a cycle of isolation and loneliness that will, unless tackled, condemn you to silence for the rest of your life. How does that sound?
Abuse and sexual assault (especially as a child) generally takes place in isolation. The single most important thing for the perpetrator is to get away with it so he/she/they will do there upmost ensure silence happens. They will ensure that you become isolated and many survivors carry that feeling of isolation with them into adulthood. They will continue to act out the solo behabiour by avoiding company, talking and associating with others. All this time, they are losing out on the most instinctive behaviour known to man, engagement with others. Human beings are instinctively social creatures.
As survivors of sexual abuse, we were made to feel powerless, afraid, hurt, upset, guilty, etc. We may still carry those fears into any situation you may find yourself in and still wrongly continue to feel some responsibility for what happened to you. That includes guilt, in the fact that you feel bad for anything that happens to you or even those around you. We can also end up feeling bad about ourself and who we are or are seen as, e.g. weak, stupid, afraid, and nervous.
Feeling vulnerable and allowing that feeling to dominate your thoughts makes you shy away from situations that cause you to feel that, imagining or fearing, somewhere deep inside, if you’re not careful, you may be abused and hurt again, even just your feelings.
So, what do you do instead?
But why continue to live that way? Why continue to be afraid of what to say or do what you want to?
Like I said, the perpetrator(s) forced that silence upon you. Surely you don't like feeling isolated and alone anymore?
People have said that in order to fully heal and become the person you want and need to be, you have to feel that vulnerability again, in a safe place, in order to become yourself - which can almost be as scary as being abused again. It's a necessary part of the healing you undertake. Its like in order to fully move on to be a survivors, you have to accept that you have been a victim!
By undertaking a process of healing, it dispels the internal belief that you did something to cause it or even that you didn't do something to prevent it. Everyone wants to be loved, needed, respected and acknowledged, but when abuse takes place, the boundaries become confused, and any defense becomes unclear.
You can also also remain bound in the memories that haunt you, so you need to find a focus on which to anchor onto. That can be almost anything, but should without doubt, be something or someone who is able to support you fully, without fail.
Isolation is silence. Break the silence, it stops with us!