Before I was aware of Survivors Manchester I had a hell of a load of problems, that at the time I thought that I was dealing with then, when in fact it had turned out the opposite – I was running away from them. At a very very young age I turned to drugs to try and block out the pain and shame that I was feeling, I just wanted to be normal and have a mother and father that loved me like other children had.
Now I got their attention, but the wrong sort, I was then placed in care and just when I thought that I was safe again I was wrong. I stared hanging around with older lads and taking more drugs. It was only a matter of time before the running away started and that’s when I started getting in to trouble with the police for stupid shit, but as all the months rolled into years all the anger and hatred and pain that I felt I couldn’t control. At the age of 13 I tried to drown my teacher and at the time I recall feeling better. Still no one would talk to me. More drugs and this continued till the age of 12 when I met my first girlfriend and had a baby boy. But again all the pain and hurt come back twice as bad and me and her broke up because I was still in care she took my boy with her.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that because of the rapes that I was subjected to on several occasions by people that were meant to look after me all my relationships have suffered apart from the one that I have with the drugs. I felt safe with them! But it turned out that like the abuse, they was covering up problems like Schizophrenia and split personality! I would often get into fights with people to make myself feel much better until this time around. I very nearly got long sentenced for my involvement in a very bad couple of fights – all due to my anger problems from when I was just a young lad, 23 years ago.
However, since just before I have been in prison I got chatting to Duncan Craig from Survivors Manchester and with the help that he has given me I have realized that I can break the legacy and not feel alone no more as I wasn’t to blame for their [abusers] actions. I know that there is more work that I have to do to change all the crap in to good but with Survivors Manchester help, and others like me, I know that together we can all do it. The hardest part is asking for that help at first but then when you have you will never look back.
Well I know I wont that’s for sure!
Don’t let them ruin your life and all that you care about. Talk to someone you can trust and let them know what you need to help to put a stop to it